Fun Fact: Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Safari Barbie …with rifle pith helmet and pygmy guide

I bet by the time you were done listening to The Fray’s “How to Save a Life,” the person choking on their food would be dead already.

kley (Proto-Indo-European)-> , (Greek)-> clima (Latin)-> climat (French)-> climate Climate change is man-made.

“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from” *dad slams newspaper down* DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS *clenches fists* WHY WONT SHE TELL US

[first date] “so what do you do?” *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!” *nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

What do you call an explanation of an Asian cooking show? A wok-through.

A deer stumbles out of the forest and says “that’s the last time I do that for two bucks.”

Daddy daddy can I have another glass of water please? But that’s the tenth one I’ve given you tonight! Yes but the baby’s bedroom is still on fire.