Where does a vampire take a bath? In the bat-room (bathroom).

A guy walks into a bar… Ow!

Three really fat girls were cramped under one umbrella. Why didn’t any of them get wet? It wasn’t raining.

ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

Want to hear a construction joke? It’s not finished yet.

Chris Brown only listens to his music.. on his Beats by Dre

Thank God football is back on. I’ve been watching baseball for months and it’s only the 7th inning.

Why can’t blind kids have imaginary friends? Their i’s don’t work