I told a rape joke the other day and a dude got mad. He said “I hope you have a daughter and she gets raped so you can see how it feels.” Well I mean she’d have to survive the abortion first.

I want to break up. It isn’t you. It’s a me…mario!

Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? . I hear it’s a catastrophe

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming” “We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-” “HER NAME’S DEBBY”

an always fun part of dating an extremely cool girl is learning just how many of her guy friends are secretly in love with her

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. Plus a portable phone an Internet link and a copy of the “Bluffer’s Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.”

Don’t do drugs Without me

Why does Fred Williard keep Kleenex in his pocket? They come in handy.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Hey guys, remember that one time, when Clinton was president and gas was a like a $1 a gallon and people had money and jobs and shit?