So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

Math teacher: What is the value of x? Student: She was my life.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

What does Air bnb stand for? Bring no blacks

The New England Patriots deflate balls to win a game… and get punished with a low pressure system.

I hate when I click a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it’s loading.

Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.

My younger dog can go to sleep in about 4 seconds. The older one takes about 6 because she’s got more shit to worry about, I guess.

Q: How do elephants smell? A: Really bad.

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure? A defetus