“You’re stepping on all the cracks, but you don’t have to worry about it because your mother’s dead” – my seven-year-old to me this morning

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

They say men think about sex every seven seconds. That’s complete BS. We never stop thinking about sex.

Bar joke A monk, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says “what is this? Some kind of joke?”

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you’ll eventually be abducted.

Fill in the blank: Friends are like_____ mine is “Friends are like trees, if you hit them with an axe they fall over.”

If horses could talk I reckon they’d mostly just say ‘Get off me’.

Wanna know my New Year’s Resolution? 4K, baby.

“Money isn’t everything” – Someone with a shitload of dough