You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife removed the “G” key from our keyboard at home so I could appreciate the frustration associated with not hitting the spot.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? You put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.

What do you call a German dust storm? A Jewish family reunion.

Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two? In case he got a hole in one.

Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large just that the viola player’s heads are so small.

What is the best way to stop rape? Consent

What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ? Father Christmas wears a whole suit a dog just pants!