WIFE: how old is your daughter? WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine. ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

If we’re talking and I suddenly look off into the distance at a copse of trees that means I’m thinking of burying you there.

Just found out the Turkish President is getting into acting He shot a pilot a few month back

Who’s up for some conundrum? What’s the difference between a dwarf who digs for ore and an ogre who waits too long in a classy restaurant? credit: the late, great Dave Trampier

A magician was walking down the street… … and then he turned into a store.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Did you hear about the failed Origami shop? If folded.

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire* “OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I want to look hot on tinder.