I’m going to have an ear transplant later tonight. Thanks in advance for the well wishes!

I’m getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to put your phone off.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Brewster ! Brewster who ? Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo !

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

At a business meeting: “How about SuperCupid?” “No, expectations will be too high” “GreatCupid?” “Lower” “Uhhh, OKCupid?” “Brilliant”

Im sick of people calling America “the stupidest country in the world” Personally, I think Europe is.

*accidentally deletes a tweet* MY LITERATURE!

Policeman: Didn’t you hear my siren? Motorist: Sure that’s why I sped up.