I’m not a racist but. . . I fucking hate marathons.

I swear I change my mind about this election every time I open up facebook. My high school friends are political geniuses!

I’m angry that only one company makes the game monopoly.

What does a hardware salesman do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Having dinner with my phone and some people.

Are you from Russia? Cause I’m Putin deez nuts on yo face.

What do call you someone who feeds on comatose patients and pizza? A vegetarian.

What should you do if you see your TV floating? Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.

Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race? He was always coming in a little behind.