How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What’s the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? Nothing, except fairy tales start off with “Once upon a time”, and war stories start off with “No shit, this really happened”.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I think I’m allergic to alcohol… After about 10-12 beers, I throw up. It’s the damndest thing!

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Cokey But I turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.

Why don’t you feel the need to wear a seat belt when taking a cab? Because there is a doctor driving.

In what direction do five gay guys walk?

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson? “Please. Mr Benson was my father.” -Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?