Just once, I’d like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier.

Oh vajazzled is definitely going on my bucket list. I’ll pity the fool that has to jazzle my vag.

Two muffins bakes in an oven… Then one of them says ” Damn it’s hot in here!” Then the other screams… ” AAARGH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!”

My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day… …as if that first year of college wasn’t difficult enough.

Why couldn’t the potato get off the couch? Because it was baked.

I’m a scientist that’s researching beastiality between humans and dogs I’ll be in my lab.

He who laughs last is probably just really high.

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died. What would they put on his coffin ? A lid !

Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn’t have to end at work.

My pupil is dilated… …6 inches. Guess I shouldn’t have believed her nine months ago when she said she was on the pill. 13 year old girls are such liars.