Being human is OK, but I wish there were alternatives.

Websites that automatically play music are like strangers who try to talk to you on a plane.

Two chemists are at a bar. One says, “I’d like some water.” The other says “I’d like some Hydrogen Peroxide.” The second one died. Of cancer, many years later.

We Don’t Swerve Blondes Here

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea” me: try getting tacos instead, genius

“Will he ever wake up?” He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Did you hear about the shop that only employed dwarves? It had to close because it was short staffed.

How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes.

Gay guys in wheelchairs are like tomatoes. Are they a fruit, or are they a vegetable?

I had to figure out what to do, to avoid a truck that had run a red light … … when suddenly I realized why the baseball had been getting bigger.