Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He took a bite before it was cool.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

What do you call a gay fly? a maggot

Asked my dad to pass me a screwdriver. So he gave me a double vodka and orange juice.

Who is the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultra sound guy. And who covers when hes off sick? The hip replacement guy.

Have you read the book about anti-gravity? Much like that one book, Old Yeller, it’s pretty damn hard to put down.

How can you tell if a girls tinder profile is fake? They’re attractive!

Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it, he said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, ” if my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it!”

I like my women like I like my water Wet and slippery on the floor.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.