I’d tell you a good chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.

sometimes i sleep naked just in case leonardo dicaprio breaks in and wants to charcoal sketch me

It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.

What did the jealous prostitute say at the orgy? Don’t blow this for me.

I’ve decided to leave my past behind me.. So if I owed you money- I’m sorry but I’ve moved on.

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017 *in hospital 3 days later* Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot

What did the orphan say when the orphanage burned down? Nothing. He just laughed.

What do you call a couple of ones and zeros orbiting around each other? Binary stars.

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has its pricks on the outside.