My friend is color blind.. So I had to ask him… “How many fingers am I holding up?”

A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” “Yeah,” Drake sighs as he keeps walking. “She was.”

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

What’s the worst gift to give to a Jewish person on Christmas? Literally anything.

That moment when… …you’re on reddit too much and you say repost too often.

What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar? Her/she

What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? Jeffrey Dahmer!

I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.

I asked Dumbledore what 3 + 5 was. It didn’t know the answer because it was a dumb old door.