911: What’s your emergency? Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead 911: Can you verify that he’s dead? *gunshot* Me: Yep, he’s dead

Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend? He’s super clingy.

What do you get when you put a woman’s face on a $10 bill? $2.23 in change.

Why was the Redditors jokes so unoriginal? Because he Reddit off the internet.

What is Beethoven’s favorite food? Ba-Na-Na-NAAAAAAAAAAAA

[TIFU] I picked up somebody else’s sandwich at Subway Ooops, wrong sub!

TIL it is impossible to look at your nose while sticking out your tongue without looking ridiculous.

What is the difference between a tire and a black man? The tire doesn’t start singing when you chain it.

What do you call a slutty fisherman/woman? A hooker.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!