Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people living above me are furious.

A Psychic Buying Clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn’t even try it on. Psychic: I’m a medium.

Those little bumps around your nipples? That’s braille for “suck me.”

Dear women, 3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature. No 1. We know what upsets you. No 2. Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

What’s the difference between a feminist and a gun? One doesn’t cry sexism when you fire it.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this”

An epic story of love Man riding bicycle with gf Man gives gf helmet Man says I love you Man does 720 inverted wheelie Man dies Man in news Woman cries

It is tough being a horny pagan with no regular religious holidays… … because all you can look forward to is getting the Wiccans off.

*cape flaps in the wind* Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K? Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.