“HEY I KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY ASLEEP & STUFF, BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I’M LIKE 22 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.” -Trains

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

I don’t know why /r/deadbedrooms complains so much about starfish sex. Personally, it really turns me on when her arms grow back.

What shoes are hard to wear? Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

AGE 18: There’s someone special out there for you! AGE 28: You’ll find them one day! AGE 38: It’ll happen! DEAD: Just be patient!

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I went to Costco the other day… As I was checking out the cashier asked me ” Do you wanna box?” I said “No, but I’ll wrestle you!”

I don’t mind the NSA reading my Word documents. It means that at least someone will read the first draft of my novel.

How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 8,9,11

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.