I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans Free. – [*Darren Walsh*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

What’s the difference between a monster and a mouse? A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.

Q: What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? A: Out, out, damned Spot!

What did the fish scream when its tank cracked? “Dam-it!”

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Lion King joke Q: Why is Simba an orphan? A: Because his dad couldn’t Mufasa ’nuff

I accidentally ordered a grande at Dunkin Donuts so I had to just keep speaking spanish so they wouldn’t think I was a snob.

What’s the worst name a transvestite could choose? Amanda

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to with my food, eat it?

I got my dog a tinder… He loves chasing pussy