What’s the difference between Americans and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it’ll grow a culture

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

What happens when you cross the band “The Knack” and a bottle of Corona? A song called “My Corona”

Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs…”Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?”

What goes “snap crackle and pop” ? A firefly with a short circuit !

What is the most faithful insect ? A flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !

What’s Jared’s favorite side dish? Megan slaw

Today, a hobo called me a beautiful princess, but he pronounced it “I KNOW YOU HAVE CHANGE, YOU STUPID CRACKER BITCH!”.

Studio Dunkers-that’s an odd name for store-brand Oreos. I’d like a written explanation from Duane Reade.

Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth. I’m a goddamn genius.