So i watched a scary movie last night. It was so scary my shit took a shit

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

You wanna know why me and my wife don’t see eye to eye anymore after 26 years of marriage? She lost her legs so we’re no longer the same height. edit: I’m sorry, I thought this was /r/antijokes

Forget everything you learned in college… …You won’t need it working here.’ ‘But I never went to college.’ ‘Well then, I’m sorry. You are under qualified to work here.’”

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.

The next time you are in a group and everyone is on their phones except you, go ahead and treat yourself to a fart. You earned it!

So a crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan all walk into a bar How do I know? Because they told everyone in the place within 30 seconds

Q: When is a car not a car? A: When it turns into a parking lot.

Tangled earbuds are the new rubik’s cube.

So a group of nerve cells are mingling for the first time. They look really nervous.