April showers bring May flowers. But what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

I was skeptical Apple was using child labor until my iPod arrived and engraved on it was, “Help! So hungry! Send Lunchables!”

What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic? Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

I’d make a wind pun But it blows..

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss* wtf? “dad i can explain” u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Everything men know about women [ ]

I had sex on a camping trip for the first time recently… It was fucking in tents.

Why doesnt Kermit like elephants? They always want to play leap-frog with him.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s ok. He woke up.

If at first you don’t succeed… skydiving isn’t for you…