Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Today, the tree my family planted 15 years ago died and had to be cut down. I’m mourning wood.

A man was walking through the woods with a little boy… It starts getting dark and the boy says to the man “I’m scared”. The man replies “YOU’RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone”.

Feminists hate words with masculine-sounding roots… …maybe that’s why none of them have any manners.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

Bad joke I made but thought it was clever in 4th grade What do you get when you slice ice cream? Slice cream! … I think I’ll join the reposting group now…

Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Three rifles walk into a bar… … and one of them was assault.

What do you call rice on 2 legs? Pi Ok, I’m leaving now.