If I’m ever in an accident while driving and tweeting and you’re the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press “Send.”

Hell, even an 80-year-old prostitute works more often than twitter.

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

What do you call an Asian person that is hit by a car? Hood orient

accidentally just walked halfway into a hug intended for someone else on the sidewalk maybe can’t leave house ever again

I like my women how I like my coffee Cheap, easily picked up And found later in a disposable plastic container.

How do you cook toilet paper? You brown it!

My father was in the holocaust, he fell of a guard tower!

If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.

How many I.T. workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, just upgrade to windows