Guy: girl are you a newspaper? Girl: no why? Guy: because there’s a new issue with you every fucking day.

Someone is yelling! The voice is familiar… How they rave and they rant! Is it Jackman? Or, Laurie? Hefner or Grant? – Horton Hears a Hugh

“Inside Amy Schumer” is funny… As it’s a show I never wish to watch, and a place I never wish to be.

what are pee wee herman’s favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos

Curiosity killed the cat. NASA apologized profusely.

No amount of minority filled commercials can ruin Red Lobster for me.

Retired colonel talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson’s teacher: No but I’ve been fishing in shorts.

My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear.

OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman’s means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

“Take off your corduroy shorts so I can blow you,” said no chick, ever.