What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? They both like a tight seal.

I’d say Blair Walsh is kicking himself right now… But he was probably wide to the left.

Why did Hitler really kill himself because he couldn’t pay his gas bill

When playing golf my wife got stung by a bee between the first and second hole I told her that her stance was too wide

Hey ladies, if you don’t want me staring at your tattoos, maybe you should lock your front door before showering.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”

Politicians and dipers have one thing in common they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason

Why was the haunted mansion self conscious? Because it got a lot of creepy stairs. FML.

Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation