Nothing says “My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse” quite like a joint Facebook account.

I saw a synopsis and some abstracts shot down in a hail of bullet points. I guess it was a summary execution.

“Your resume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?” *flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* “Grad school.”

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

I spent all day yesterday putting my old watches together to make a belt. When I finally finished I realized it was just a huge waste of time.

What’s the most evil thing a human being can do?

If I had a dollar every time someone called my mother a whore… I’d be the richest client she ever had

Why are you baking octopus? So I can get octopi.

-Knock knock -Who’s there? -Go fuck yourself!

Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!