nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

What do you call a Mexican guy shouting at someone? An argumentative ese

Last night I woke up and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor… … at first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Me: Hey. Nice Honda. Him: It’s an Acura. Me: All Asian cars look alike. Him: You’re racist. Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Last night, my girlfriend made me really happy and really sad at the same time. She told me, “You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.”

Chuck norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.

A dark, dark joke What’s the difference between molestation and rape? You remember rape

Where do you find a turtle with no legs? right where you left it.

Opening a gym… Gonna focus on power walking & door knocking. I’ll call it “Jehovah’s Fitness”