What’s long, hard and covered in blood? The Boston Marathon!

Bar of gold walks into a pub, The bartender says “Au get out of here”

[apocalypse] Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world Day 69: LOL 69

More outlets please, anyone planning on building anything anywhere.

Now that it’s all blown over, those Alton Towers victims should look on the bright side. Free parking.

Did you hear about the newlyweds who mixed up the lube and window putty? All their windows fell out

Greek Tailor’s Shop A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of jeans. The blind old tailor squints at him. “Euripedes?” The man nods and holds up the pants. “Eumenedes?”

What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph.Why?Because he’s too short to be an essay.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

I love everything about writing except the part where you want to kill yourself, which is all of it.