What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? (Sorry if you’ve heard this) Christopher Walken

There’s this blind man feeling his way down the street. He walks past a fish market, you know what I’m sayin’? He stops, takes a deep breath and says: “Ooooo Good morning Ladies!”

The Final Jeopardy category is: Beer. The answer is: It’s f**king close to water. The correct question is: Why is Bud Lite like having sex in a sailboat?

Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn’t the answer to my problems. I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution.

Oh, it’s your “birthday month?” That’s nice, grown adult. I hope you don’t survive it.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil and paper

A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine… How do you feel?” Asks the fluoride ion. “Positively shell shocked” the sodium ion replied.

Ya know, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records once… Wasn’t for very long though. Librarian told me to put the book down and get the fuck out before she called the cops.

Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!