I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly “Nervous?” asked the interviewer, I simply replied “No I always give 110%.”

There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

I bought my son a trampoline But all he wanted to do was sit and cry in his wheelchair – This was a repost but I thought it was too funny not to share

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!! *silence* Todd the snail: This is bullshit *spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

How many clergymen does it take to screw a lightbulb? Amen.

Hitler and his men are having a meeting. Hitler: We will kill 6 million Jews and 1 clown. Men: Why the clown? Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent P!

Where do you find a quadriplegic? Where you last left him.

Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.