Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

Knock! Knock!

What did one volcano say to the other? ” i lava you “

A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back? DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks

I burned 1000 calories today… Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

What’s a feminists favourite type of math? triggernometry

I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

Why can’t spooky skeletons cross the road? No guts.

Don’t tease fat girls; elephants never forget.