[Haunted House] Ghost:You’ve been here a week Me: I like you G:You knew what this was M: I thought I was your boo G: I say that to everyone

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A PILOT you racists!

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!” 2012: omg please no 2016: are we doing this or not

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard.

[girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.

What did one plate say to the other? “Lunch is on me.”

What’s the difference between a preschool and a brothel? You should know this you sick fuck.

What’s a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they’re irate

How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None.