I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance. In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

I know how the Force Awakens ends! Credits.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas is she still your cousin?

The MAN makes the BIG decisions. The WOMAN makes the LITTLE decisions… Married over 16 years, haven’t made a BIG decision yet.

Roses are grey Violets are grey Everything’s grey I’m a dog

What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard? A liquor cabinet.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Who says you can’t make someone love you? I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.