What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no-eye-deer

Who is the rudest person in my mathematical family? Aunt Sally

What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Walkout

69 I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 — that’s all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

What gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer.

Wife: I think we need a break. *Titanic crashes into iceberg* Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? Wife: Yes.

My friend gave me one last gift before he died. It was his EpiPen.

I masturbated in the shower… I just wanted to come clean. Came up with this earlier, I guess it could’ve been relevant in /r/showerthoughts

Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC] She has mass.

[think of idiom] firing on all cylinders [post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation] mr. on all cylinders, ur fired [wait for 100+ faves]