Jeffrey Dahmer and his mom are having dinner. Jeffey’s mom looks over at him and says “Jeff I don’t like your friends”. Jeffery then replies “You can eat the potatoes”.

My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes… Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.” Actually this is Oxymoron Club. “Ok, same difference.” *looks at group* Oh, this guy is good.

Aquaman: Come on in the water is great. Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.

Why did Eeyore cross the road? To get to the other… *sigh*

(First Day as Mailman) ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup? BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those. ME: No.

[Starbucks] “Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.” Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

What’s a best friend? One who goes out and gets two blowjobs, then comes back and gives his buddy one