I believe I can flyyy. I believe I can touch the skyyy. I believe I was mistaaaken. I believe I’m faaalling. I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

Hunters should always know what’s behind their target Behind mine is a Sam’s Club and a Starbucks

If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body, your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

Heavy metal is not intimidating to me because half of the time it’s just the plot of Lord Of The Rings yelled over guitar solos.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

YOU MUST ENJOY THIS FOOD! It’s a required taste.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

If Monday had a face, I’d punch it.