I BRAKE FOR PERPETUAL GODDAMN CONSTRUCTION ON I-16.

So I started a charity last week. I donate headphones to black guys on public transportation. He was pissed.

*tattoo parlor* ARTIST: What do you want? ME: Surprise me *He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’* ME: Why did y- ARTIST: BOO! *the tattoo disappears*

My favorite pirate joke (no arrr) Say it out loud. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? I’m 80!

A guy walked into a bar… And said, “Ouch!” Sorry. It had to be done.

Owning a selfie stick is a good way to tell people that you’ve driven all of your friends away with your narcissism.

Her: i’m in the mood Me: me too Her: wanna do it Me: oh yeah baby [we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]

Is there anything sexier than a woman who reads? Yes: Models.

Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?

ad for letuce: do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water