Money talks But all mine ever says is good-bye.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

The Enola Gay Made rice crispies long before Kellogg’s

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist] Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like? Me: Not anymore I can’t

What do you call a king with a weed addiction? Your royal highness.

My wife is so stupid… She thought that I was a racist because I separated my whites from my colors.

*pets your eyebrows* there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

[Dog Restaurant] “Is the Book Report any good?” Yes, Sir. “How’s it prepared?” A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. “Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Did you hear about the homosexual magician? He disappeared in a poof.