No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character… The husband that’s out of town.

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Someone told me that the best pokemon was the bird that holds a leek stalk I said ‘That’s a little farfetch’d’

Why did the privileged white guy fail his algebra test? He didn’t know enough about inequalities

The best part of necrophilia You don’t have to bring flowers

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

What’d you call a German businessman? An enterpreNeuer.

What’s the difference between a Catholic and Baptist? A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.