This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

They say it’s amazing what we can achieve if we all put our heads together But if I could put my heads together, I’d never leave my room

How would Arnold Schwarzenegger describe a sousaphone? “It’s not a tuba!”

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? No potatoes.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

What’s the fastest way to get to a woman’s heart? A knife.

[in front of fire] DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Anton Chekhov brought his gun to work He was fired.

I’m ok with it if my son decides he wants Crocs. He has peanut allergy, so it’s not like people will hate him more than they already do.