INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Thirty years ago, Marco Rubio was bitten by a radioactive doormat.

Your momma is so old.. her social security number is 000-00-0001

What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world? Nothing, she’s fine.

I work at a women’s shoe store Sometimes I tie the laces together… Bitches be trippin’

How do Ethiopian parents celebrate their child’s first birthday? By putting flowers on its grave.

I went to the doctor…. he pulled down his pants, and I said, “Dr. ewwwwww!” He said, “My name’s not Drew.”

Did you hear about the birds who wanted to go out drinking? They ended up at the crowbar.

What’s the difference between me and my couch? My couch pulls out.

America is that sexy classmate everyone had a crush on in high school, not aging that well but you’d still hit it.