Dot [limerick] There once was a woman named Dot, who lived off of pig-shit and snot. When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese, that grew on the sides of her twat.

Why did my Exotic Bird Startup Store fail? I didn’t have enough seed money.

Rome wasn’t built in a day… But it was built in Italy!!

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

[throws a dart at map of the world] One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.