This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Marriage is like coffee. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.

Why did Steve Harvey announce Miss Colombia as the Miss Universe winner? Because he couldn’t pronounce Miss Philippines.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

I like my coffee how I like my women. STD free.

so this baby seal walks into a club… …he got smashed.

So I’ve been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Now she tells me she’s an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

Men often think that women don’t know what they want. That’s incorrect. Women know exactly what they do and don’t want, however, those two are usually the same thing.

When I fall down a public venue, “Did anyone see me” totally outranks “Am I ok” on the thought process.

What’s M. Night Shyamalan’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Twist