I went to the barber before I had my SAT yesterday it really helped me clear my head

*text message* Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I’m at work. Cat: find it.

What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.

Two Irish men talking. – I saw my girlfriend going to the movies with another guy the other night. – Oh my god. Did you follow them? – No. – Why not? – I had watched the movie before.

I was interviewed today by a Far East Sultan to be a eunuch. He needs a eunuch to guard his harem of 365 women. What an ideal career!! Sadly, The Sultan told me I wasn’t cut out for the job.

Women are like stars… At first they are small and hot, then they get bigger and bigger, then finally they suck the life out of everything around them.

Did you hear about the raisin that slept with another raisin’s wife? No? You’re obviously not up to date with currant affairs.

Three elephants fell off a cliff. Two fell on land. One fell in the water. Boom-boom-chhh!

How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! “whole… hole.” it’s a play on words 😉