Just found out my bank won’t cash these so-called “rain checks.” This is bullshit.

Why is it okay when a woman has sex with someone half her age, but when a man does it, it’s awesome?

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis? TB or not TB, that is the question.

My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy and asked me if I could help train it. I told her “No sorry, you can’t teach an old trick’s new dog.”

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone Me: fine Her: good Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

An Indian walks into a hotel, and the receptionist asks “Do you have a reservation?”

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

There are three kinds of people in this world Those that can count and those that cannot

What’s green, has 6 legs and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table…

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?