While at our wedding, I pointed out to my wife-to-be… that her her veil wasn’t nearly opaque enough. She responded by discreetly implying she would hit me. It was a thinly-veiled threat.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

I once met a girl with 12 boobs…. Sounds weird. Doesn’t it? (takes a while to get)

This comes from a good place in my heart, homeless people build the best forts I’ve ever fucking seen.

What does a lonely pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.

“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide

How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?

Don’t masturbate with Crisco. It’s shortening.

I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone.

Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range… But it wasn’t his strong suit