I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.

What do you call a cannibal that only eats Marxists? . . . a proletarian.

“Kiss me”, moaned the attractive blonde… “Absolutely not”, replies her doctor. “It would be most unprofessional of me. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you!”

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.

Who’s the most famous jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash

You speak in haiku / That is VERY attractive / Said no girl ever

What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic? “You’re dead to me.”

What’s black and doesn’t work? Half of London

I was watching Star Wars in English Class And a classmate says “metaphors be with you”