I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

What cell phone service do Stormtroopers use? AT & AT.

Chuck Norris’s Daughter Lost her Virginity… He got it back.

I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that’s lasted longer than 4 hours. We’re meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

What’s worse than your mother-in-law? My mother-in-law.

Women really can’t take a rape joke lately You really have to force it against their will.

[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That’s great. Let’s just put that in the ‘maybe has epilepsy’ pile.

UNICORN: I love the forest! I love my horn! Life is wonderf [Pegasus flies over chased by babes] UNICORN: God why have you forsaken me

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes…yes it would…