What’s the difference between a Christmas star and a bad pickling job? One brightly shines…

What do you call a lonely terrorist? ISIL-ated

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away. She waves. I wave. I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

What did the Alabama sherriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times? The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

How many dubstep fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Wuh-wuh-wuh-one.

Smooth jazz always puts me to sleep… …must be the mellow tonin’.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”